


Crescent Moon

by impatronumb



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, POV Bella Swan, POV Edward Cullen, Science Fiction & Fantasy, The Midnight Sun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:22:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27745915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impatronumb/pseuds/impatronumb
Summary: Edward is a vampire. Bella is not.[New Moon with alternating perspectives - but Edward's not a creep and the solution is not Bella becoming a vampire]
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Jasper Hale/Bella Swan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter One: Finality

**Crescent Moon: Chapter One: Finality**

_[Set after the events of Twilight, with some slight divergences from canon (and then eventually, some big discrepancies)]_

|BELLA|

I thought that being in Edward’s arms would make me feel safer, but there’s always a part of me that remembers. That can’t forget.

In nightmares, I’ll still be in that hall of mirrors. Even though James is on top of me, my gaze is fixated on my own reflection: over and over, I see the exact moment that the venom hits. A deep, unimaginable pain, like a cold fire, spreads through my veins, and my eyes, ones that seemed so deep and vacant and empty before, come to life.

Then, Edward comes. He saves me.

But it doesn’t always feel like saving. Because even despite the pain, part of me felt whole. _Right._ Like maybe this poison was something that I had always been missing.

Or, maybe, it finally felt real and possible that Edward could be mine – permanently.

Human, this way, what could I possibly have to offer?

What’s keeping us together, when without the venom, there’s so much to pull us apart.

|EDWARD|

I miss sleep.

I miss the escape. I miss the wonderful void – the lapse of time that slumber brings. When you’re a vampire, and time is infinite, there’s no distraction, there’s no recharge. You can’t sleep things off; they haunt you continually. Nothing begins again.

When you are a vampire, time is a meaningless, cold infinity. And all you have to occupy it are thoughts and memories.

Carlisle was never religious. Even in a place and time where Christianity was fanatical, he always found a way to separate spirituality and reality.

He doesn’t believe in Heaven or Hell. Or God. He doesn’t believe in souls or the afterlife. Part of me is terrified for him, but a deeper, more selfish part is jealous.

Because maybe if I had never been religious, part of this journey would be easier. Maybe then I wouldn’t be stuck in this purgatory – this damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation.

Living, I am in Hell. In the afterlife, I will be in Hell.

There’s no escape. I’m stuck. No where to go.

Until now, I thought she was the answer.

But now I’m not so sure.


	2. Chapter Two: Midnight

**Crescent Moon: Chapter Two - Midnight**

|BELLA|

Even though it has been months since I ran back to Phoenix, Charlie has never found it in himself to forgive me.

That’s not quite fair. He’s at least forgiven me a little bit. He gave me back the keys to my car _finally_ , and I don’t have to text him every five minutes when I travel somewhere. I’m still at the end of a very tight leash, but there’s some breathing room now (well, except where Edward is concerned. But I’ll never stay away from Edward. I can’t. He’s everything.)

I think it’d be much more accurate to say that Charlie still hasn’t quite forgiven himself for everything that happened. We haven’t spoken about it—and probably never will, for that matter—but I can see the doubt in him sometimes. The part of him that doesn’t believe that my tirade against him was entirely fabricated … the part of him that thinks that I meant all those awful words I said.

_“I don’t want to end up trapped in this stupid, boring town like Mom. I hate it – I can’t stay another minute.”_

I might as well have told him I hated him.

Still, we are mostly back to our normal. The most we ever talk is after I finish making dinner or right before he passes out in front of the television, an endless series of sports games drawling on to comfort him to sleep.

He always checks in on me before he goes to bed though. Whether it’s midnight or four in the morning, I’ll always eventually be woken by the _creak_ of my bedroom door and the soft pool of light that’s reflected from the hall. It’s comforting, to know that even if he can’t say it, he cares.

I’m awake on that September night when he comes creeping in, and I feel Edward remove himself from my side briefly, hiding from him. It’s cold where he’s gone from my bed, even though he’s far from warm.

I close my eyes, only slitting them briefly to see Charlie standing in my doorway. I count to _one, two, three,_ and then he closes the door. Edward doesn’t return until he has retreated to his bedroom.

“Where did you hide this time?” I say quietly as he wraps his arms around me again, firm and smooth. He breathes in against the top of my head for a moment before he responds. I remember a time where he couldn’t be near me; now, it’s almost like he finds the smell, my smell, comforting.

“Under the bed.” The low timber of his words stirs a want deep in my stomach, but I try to keep it at bay. I don’t want Edward to feel the way that my heart is racing. I can’t help but laugh a little, though, imagining him.

“I’ve got a monster under my bed,” I joke, leaning back against him. His chest is rising and falling, even though I know he doesn’t have to breathe. I made an off-handed comment about his stillness once—that, and how unnerving it can be sometimes when he forgets to blink—and now, he seems to try and be as human as possible.

I don’t know how to tell him that it’s not necessary. I _like_ that he’s a vampire. It’s not a bad thing about him, just … a part of him. And I love every part of him.

“Monster,” he sighs.

My heart stops for a moment, afraid I’ve offended him. I quickly backtrack. “Wait, I didn’t mean—”

He pulls his arms around me tighter, moving his chin to rest against my ear. He kisses it gently, just once, enough to leave me breathless again, before he continues. “Bella,” his lips move to my cheek, “it’s fine.” He moves to the side of my neck. “I know what I am.”

It’s hard to concentrate when he does this, _dazzles_ me, but I try my best to pull through. “You aren’t a monster.” I turn in his arms to face him. “You’re perfect.” I place my hand on his chest, where his heart would be. I pretend that I can feel it beating. “And … I want to be perfect too.”

|EDWARD|

Bella’s eyes are beautiful: brown, murky, _simple._ Everything is always so easy to Bella. There’s never any room for consequences. Everything is impulsive; her reckless romance with me, her willingness to meet my _vampire family,_ her run-in with James…

Thinking about it brings a quick pulse of fear, and I pull her tighter, though her words frighten me enough to make me want to leave.

Bella is impulsive; beautiful, lovely, _smart,_ but impulsive. She does what she feels, and though part of me loves her romanticism, her hope and her strength in our love, I am hardened by rationality. Without sleep and an added hundred years of suffering, there’s much more time to consider consequences, to see the true nature of what she is asking of me.

Carefully, I detach myself to look at her. Logically, I know my brain has never matured, that I’ll stay 17 years old and, in this body, forever, but part of me feels so much older in moments like these. I know that’s not reality, but it feels like it sometimes, like I’m always bringing Bella down from another plane.

I can feel that she’s about to speak, probably because she already knows what I’m about to say. We’ve had this argument so many times, but I try to stop her first, before the conversation gets away from us.

“Bella,” and I can hear the love in my voice that she does not always see, “I won’t.”

“Why not?” she asks again, for the millionth time. It always frustrates me, but I try to stay calm.

I take a deep, unnecessary breath. “I won’t kill you. I won’t.”

Because that’s what it would be. I’d be damning her to this existence forever. And I won’t do it. No matter how much I can’t imagine my life without her, I won’t murder her. I could never hurt her that way. I love her far, far too much.

“It’s not killing me,” she repeats, like she’s talking to a child. The words sound rehearsed, probably because they are. “You’re … You’re giving me life – _us,_ life. Forever.”

She looks up at me, and I know what she’s about to ask. “Don’t you want forever with me?”

More than she’ll ever know.

So, I can at least answer honestly when I say, “Of course, Bella. That’s not the issue.”

“Then what is the issue,” she argues, angry, her cheeks pinched tightly, a warm flush to her cheeks. She is wonderful, gorgeous, even when she’s upset with me. I remind myself to stay focused.

_The issue._ Right. The impossible conundrum of being with Bella forever or keep Bella, Bella forever. She just doesn’t realize the seriousness of the change – that I will never be enough to compensate for what she is giving up. She doesn’t understand that I love her so much, I’d rather lose her than make her this way – to infect her, poison her, condemn her to a life of suffering.

I don’t know how to tell her that this isn’t really living forever. It isn’t even living.

I haven’t felt alive for years.

“We can talk about it another time,” I say instead, unable to explain, but Bella keeps pushing.

“I don’t have time, Edward!” Now I’ve really upset her. She shoves me away, standing. I listen closely to see if her father stirs, but his breathing is normal—he’s still fast asleep. “My birthday is in two weeks. I’ll be 18.” She looks at me, frustrated. “I’ll be older than you.”

“I’m 108,” I state calmly.

Bella crosses her arms and pushes the hair away from her face; the motion brings a wave of her scent in my direction, but it doesn’t phase me anymore. “Carlisle told me,” _Carlisle – of course he would._ “He explained everything. He said that up _there,_ ” she points at my head, “and there,” now it’s my chest, “and _all there_ ,” she gestures widely to the rest of me, “you’re 17.”

I don’t say anything, my brow furrowing. I don’t know what to reply. She continues.

“He told me it’s not aging - It’s _freezing._ And … I’m not freezing. I’m going to get older and older. Unless,” she takes a long pause, “unless … you change me.”

“Kill you,” I repeat. “Not change – kill you.” She always misses the most important part.

She tries to argue again, but I can’t stand to think about it anymore. I don’t want to think about a world without her, yet it hurts almost to think of her with me, but as a monster. A monster like me.

Anxiety surges through me. Though I know my heart isn’t beating, that it will never beat again, I can almost feel it pulsing with adrenaline. My lungs feel like they are constricting, yet they’ve been inactive for decades. All of it is too much, suddenly – the idea of losing her. Being alone again, waiting for the end.

I go to her, wrap my arms around her, hold her tight to me as possible, and try desperately to memorize her as best I can. I try hard not to think about the borrowed time between us; I want to stay in this moment.

“I’ll think about it,” I try to say with finality. “Okay? I’ll think about it. Just please,” I rest my nose against the top of her head, pushing down the hunger that rises to my throat with relative ease, “let’s sleep for now. We start our senior year tomorrow; we have to be well-rested.”

I don’t stop panicking until she finally gives into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and burying her face into my shoulder. All at once, the attack ceases, and I feel like I can be calm again. “We?” she says quietly.

I smile and kiss her gently. Her pulse quickens, and I feel myself steady. “ _We_ ,” I repeat. “Maybe if I try harder enough this time, I’ll be able to sleep with you.”

We both know I won’t. But we fall together anyway, easily, and soon, she does doze off. I needlessly close my eyes, trying to remember what sleep feels like, but all I do is spend the night worrying about our conversation. Agonizing over the decision I’ve already made.

Realizing, undoubtedly, that our time together will indeed be over soon.


	3. Chapter Three: Birthday Blues

**Crescent Moon: Chapter Three – Birthday Blues**

|EDWARD|

It only takes me a few minutes to change, grab my car, and head back over to Bella’s house in time to pick her up for school on her birthday. As always, I ignore the lude, snide comments that Emmett think-screams at me and the deep look of disapproval on Rosalie’s face. I know what they think of me, about Bella and I’s situation- they’ve told me enough times- but they’re hypocrites.

Rosalie likes to forget that she was in my exact situation once; though I guess she only lasted a few hours before she changed Emmett herself.

Either way, I ignore them for the most part. Every second I spend with them is a second with Bella wasted, or, even worse, a second that Bella can decide to put herself in another perilous situation. Ever since the James situation, I’ve been terrified to be apart from her.

I mostly ignore the fact that I’m just as dangerous to her as he is.

Before I can go, Alice stops me at the doorway. “Is Bella still coming tonight?”

“Yes,” I repeat for the thousandth time that week. “We talked it over last night.”

Alice beams. I try not to find her enthusiasm slightly nauseating – she’s one of the only people in our clan that approves of our relationship, after all.

Her mind races dramatically, filtering through what feels like millions of thoughts. It’s far too tiring to keep up, but I catch glimpses: the decorations she’s planning, her present, the music, the food she’ll make.

I sigh. I know her eagerness is mostly out of boredom (she’s a vampire with quite literally nothing else to do), but I feel like I’m obligated to try and reign her in for Bella’s sake. “Alice, I’m not sure that she wants all the commotion.”

Predictably, she doesn’t listen. She purses her lips and gives me a coy grin. “Tell her to wear the green dress.”

She hurries away but stops at the top of the stairs to add, “And get out of my head, Edward!”

 _Maybe turn down your thoughts a little bit then,_ I add in my head. I’m thankful for my own censorship more than ever.

I’m running later than usual when I pull up to the driveway, humming to some trivial pop song, and enjoying the dreary, misty morning. I’m just about to get out of the car when I sense it – a thick tension hanging in the air. Nervously, I tune into Charlie’s thoughts as soon as I’m in range.

_That motherfucking punk ass—_

Oh. It’s about me again.

Rubbing my eyes, I steel myself for another awkward confrontation. It’s not that I blame Bella’s father for his over protectiveness or his hatred of me (no one hates myself as much as I do, after all) - it’s just uncomfortable. There’s no way to argue against someone that you agree with.

I open the car window a little wider, trying to hear their conversation through the front door so that I can brace myself.

“It’s nice of them, Dad,” Bella is pleading. “Alice has been planning it for weeks.”

Charlie pauses, and I can sense the way the blood is pulsing through his temples. He’s angrier than he’s been in a while, probably since those first few weeks where I returned Bella, with a broken leg and a permanent, tooth-shaped scar on her wrist.

I don’t have time to go down that particular rabbit hole of guilt before he’s speaking. “Don’t they think you’d want to spend time with your _actual_ family on your birthday?”

Bella huffs. I don’t actually hear it, but I know she does. “Dad, you didn’t even remember my birthday until yesterday.”

“That’s not true—”

“It _is._ And besides, I know you made plans with Billy Black. Jacob told me.”

_Ugh._

Charlie continues, barely missing a beat. “Well, I can reschedule.”

“Don’t, Dad.” Her tone is significant more pleased; she knows she’s won. “We can have dinner at the diner this weekend. I’ve missed their pancakes.” I start making my way outside of the car now that the argument is calmer, “I’ll go to the Cullen’s tonight, and we can spend all day together Saturday. Deal?”

I shut the car door loudly, hoping they hear my arrival. “Alright,” Charlie mumbles. “Sounds good.”

Bella meets me at the doorstep before I’ve had a chance to knock. Almost immediately she’s pushing me back down the steps, trying to save me from Charlie’s wrath. She’s seconds too late.

“Edward,” he says unemotional, but still somehow scathing. I put on the politest smile that I can, but I’m not sure I succeed.

“Hello Mr. Swan. Is it still okay if I borrow Bella this evening for her birthday?” He looks like he might object, even despite of the conversation that I just overheard, so I add, “Alice is fairly excited. She was up all-night decorating.”

He’s calmer at the mention of Alice. He still likes her, apparently. He doesn’t know that she’s part of the reason Bella ended up hurt in the first place.

“You’ll be back by ten.” It’s not a question, but Bella still interrupts.

“Eleven, Dad. We’ll be back by eleven.” When he tries to argue she adds, “Come on, it’s my birthday!”

Charlie gives in immediately after that. “Of course, Bells. Happy Birthday.” He’s soft when he speaks to her; the sheriff demeanor seems to disparate. His chiseled, stoic gaze returns, of course, when he motions to me. “Eleven. Sharp.”

I smile again. “Of course, sir. Earlier if I can.”

_Brown-noser._

I internally sigh.

Bella steers us towards my car after that, and I oblige. I wait until we’re in the car before I accost her, leaning in close quickly to leave a kiss on her lips.

“Oh,” she breathes. She chases me as I pull back, which makes me smile.

“Happy Birthday,” I say, tucking back a strand of hair. To this, her pleasure seems to immediately disappear.

She crosses her arms and leans back against the seat. “Not a Happy Birthday. I’m an adult. Dating a teenager.”

I am _not_ in the mood for this conversation, especially not on such a special day. I push down my frustration and grab one of her lovely hands to hold in mine. “Alice really has planned a lot for today. She told me this morning to tell you to wear a green dress.”

Bella blinks. “I don’t own a green dress.”

“Well, I’m sure you do now,” I smile.

We drive for a little bit in silence. Bella has her hand in mine, but she’s still distant, miles and miles away from me. I focus on the skyline, the blue-grey, overcast sky, knowing that she’s waiting for me to speak. But I don’t have anything to say. My stance hasn’t changed.

I deflect instead. “You don’t have to come. I understand if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Bella sighs somewhat dramatically; she turns to me, at least. “It’s not that.” I know she wants me to continue, but I can’t find it in myself to waste another second arguing with her today. So, I don’t comment on it and focus on the road again.

We arrive at school where there is already a mill of other cars crowding the parking lot; the chatter amongst students makes the situation even more unnerving. I wait until Bella is out of the car before I finally approach her, grabbing her waist gently.

“Hey,” I say quietly.

She doesn’t look at me.

“Hey,” I repeat a little louder, wishing more than ever that I could read her mind, though, maybe that’s unnecessary. It’s not hard to tell exactly what she’s thinking about.

When she still doesn’t answer, I frame both of my hands against her cheeks, begging her to look at me. She still won’t meet my eyes, so I lean our foreheads together, swallowing the panic from being so near.

“Please… let’s just try to enjoy today, okay?” I kiss her once, briefly. “We have a lot to celebrate, after all.”

She wants to argue, but I think I’ve finally broken through. She grins shyly up at me, exposing the perfect curves of her crooked mouth, and this time, leans to put her lips on mine. “I’ll play nice for now,” she whispers. “But … is there any way I’m getting out of this party?”

“Not a chance.”

“Damn.”

|BELLA|

Alice did in fact buy me a brand-new dress – a tinted olive-green slip that was definitely not made for a complexion as fair as mine. It stretches tightly against my abdomen, far too expensive and regal for something as simple as a family birthday party.

It’s times like this that I feel like Alice is dressing me as the person she wants me to be and not who I actually am.

That’s why, after a few more minutes of ogling, I fold the dress neatly back and put on something roomier, darker, and _cheaper._ When I look in the mirror, I feel much more like myself.

A few minutes before Edward arrives, I go downstairs to find Charlie sitting in a mood stupor on the couch. I know he’s not pleased with tonight’s arrangement, but I was hoping he’d tone it down a little in the spirit of my birthday. But, then, I guess, I had to inherit my _naturally sunny disposition_ from someone.

“Edward will be here soon,” I tell him. Before he can speak, I crash down next to him on the couch, grappling for some other conversation. “Uh, so … how’s the game?”

Charlie side eyes me, eyes narrowing slightly. “The game …?”

“Yeah,” I gesture widely at the television, “you know. With, like, the teams. How is the team?”

I manage to break him. He gives me the smallest of smiles, which, to Charlie, is a lot. “The team is losing.”

“Bummer.”

We sit in silence for a while, listening to the drawl narration of balls and stats and the like before Edward is gently rapping at the door. Part of me brightens at the sound. Sometimes, the thrill of _almost_ seeing him is as intoxicating as just being together.

I run to the door before Charlie can. Edward, as always, is graceful, poised, and just the right amount of distant. His lips tweak a little when he sees me. “Hi,” he murmurs.

Just like that, I’m speechless. I think it amuses him because his eyes brighten just a little bit more. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” I breathe a little, trying to shake myself out of it. Seeing him, so devastatingly handsome and _mine_ never fails to disillusion me. I feel like the main character in the books I’ve read before. “We’re heading out. See you later, Dad,” I call.

“You better,” he murmurs under his breath. I ignore him. Edward doesn’t.

“He hates me,” he sighs. He looks so little like a vampire when he gets anxious: his eyebrows furrowed, nervously fidgeting his fingers. I know I should comfort him, but I can only stare, admiring.

Edward rolls his eyes a little. “No argument I see.” He stills holds the door open for me, gesturing me inside his car, wafting lavender, vanilla, and other irresistible smells when he passes me. I try not to melt into the car seat, soothed by his presence, the familiarity of his instrumental tracks and quiet purr of his car.

I’ll never tell him how much I _do_ like being in his car. With him.

It seems my mind is gone for too long. Turning me slightly towards him with his chilly, pale fingers, I’m instantly drawn into he pool of his deep hazel eyes. Trapped again.

“Huh,” I ask, realizing he’s waiting for me to answer. “Sorry, I didn’t hear.”

“I said Alice is going to be very upset you’re not wearing her dress.”

I scoff. “Well, tell Alice if she wants me to wear something she shouldn’t leave the _thousand_ dollar price tag on it.”

“That’s nothing.” He says, moving closer.

Instinctively, I’m inching further too. “And I hated the color.”

“Mmhmm.” We are centimeters from each other.

“And it showed way too much skin.” I say quietly.

“A tragedy,” he murmurs. His lips press gently, too, too gently into mine. Before I even can register the feeling, he pulls away, smirking. “We’ll be late.”

I glare at him from across the seat as he puts the car into reverse, speeding far too quickly out into the road up to the Cullen manor. Even though he’s joking, part of me is still secretly annoyed. It’s so easy for him to pull away from me… and I’m left dizzy, struggling for breath.

He taps gently against my crossed arms. I ignore him. This seems to surprise him. He moves his hands closer. “Bella,” he begins.

“What.”

He sighs. “You remember I can’t read your mind, yes?”

“Trust me,” I huff. “I know.”

He presses further. “So… it would be much easier for me if you’d give me just a glimpse of insight as to why you’re upset.”

I don’t answer for a moment, gazing out into the darkness of the road. Edward doesn’t have his lights on, so the scene is mostly pitch black, except for the occasionally branch of a tree illuminated by the moon. Of course, Edward has no difficulty seeing. Edward is a vampire. And I’m just a human.

He’ll always pull away. He’ll never have the same furious passion and craving that I do for him. Not while… I’m like this.

Minutes pass. Gently, he taps the pads of his fingers against my shoulder before he finally just tugs me closer. We’ve stopped moving now, outside his house, and he’s staring, blindingly, into my face. “Isabella. Please. Just tell me what’s wrong.” Scanning his face, so near him, of course, I’m powerless.

“Are you sure you’re not getting bored of me?” I see the way his eyes widen, incredulous.

“What? What is this about,” he demands.

“You… you’re just …” He’s still focused on me. “Look, I can’t think when you’re just staring at me like that!” I yell.

He separates from me completely, and I get angry again. “Like that. You just always pull away. It’s so hard for me, and you just-“ I pause, releasing a breath. “It’s not even _difficult_ for you to be apart from me.”

I have only seconds before he appears at my side of the car, opening the door, and whisking me onto my feet. He pulls me tight against him, almost like he’s trying to permanently wrap us together, close enough that I could feel his heart if it was beating.

. He doesn’t speak. Just clings. And eventually, I close my eyes and stop resisting.

“It’s very difficult for me,” he says quietly. “Please, don’t ever doubt that this is exactly where I want to be. Where I’ll _always_ be.”

“Not always.” My voice is like a distant whisper, but he still hears.

“Always,” he repeats, firm.

“Until I die. We can be together always while I’m like this.”

Edward sighs, annoyed, but still manages to pull me even tighter against his chest. “I’ll be with you for your whole life, Bella. Your wonderful _human_ life.”

“But when I die,” I begin.

“Let’s not think on that. It’s your birthday. A day of life. Please,” he begs a little. “Please. Just for today, can we not argue?”

He tips my chin up towards him, kissing me softly, but much longer this time, and I don’t think about arguing anymore, not when we’re this close together, breathing in each other. “Okay,” I sigh. “Okay. Okay. Sorry.”

Finally, he smiles crookedly. For a moment, I can almost believe he truly loves me as much as I love him. “You can make it up to me by not getting mad at the billions of decorations Alice has put up for you.”

And then he’s tugging me inside, towards the house and away from all my previous thoughts of separation, and with his hand in mine, so eager and calm, it’s hard to be upset. It’s hard to think this moment will end.

If only I had known the inevitability of the truth.


	4. Chapter Four: Unmoving

**[Chapter Four: Unmoving]**

|BELLA|

“Needed a break?”

Carlisle approached me as I leaned against the railing of the Cullens' sprawling staircase. Truth be told, I had needed a moment of peace - from my thoughts, from the excitement, from Edward’s jittery anxiety any time that I was around his family.

I couldn’t help but feeling, even now, no matter how many times that Edward promised his affection, that I didn’t belong. 

As if he could sense all this, Carlisle didn’t press any further. He just learned back against the railing with me. Out of all of his family members, he always seemed the most human, especially as I looked at him now, crossed arms, head tilted back in the perfect image of calm. He could have been my Dad- if it weren’t for the glossy white hue of his skin, the almost uncanny perfection that befell his face.

He could feel me staring. He interrupted my gaze, “I know Alice is a little … exuberant... “

“It’s not that,” I answered quickly, but then, I couldn’t continue. I wasn’t sure how to explain exactly what was bothering me, or I even wanted him to listen.

But Carlisle seemed to know (sometimes I swore he was the real mind reader). He gestured towards his office at the opposite end of the house. “Here, I have something to show you.”

I followed him into his study, away from the loud argument brewing between Edward and Emmet. “I swear I did, dude, you can ask Rosalie…”

Carlisle closed the door behind him, rolling his eyes a little but still smiling. It was rare to see him so naturally affectionate. It almost made the fatherly role he’d given himself more believable; though, Edward had told me that his act was not always what it seemed.

Wordlessly, Carlisle pulled a large volume from his bookcase, thick and heavy. I half-expected him to blow dust off the cover, the scene was so picturesque and movie-like, but Carlisle simply flipped through the pages, stopping on an old, frail-looking scrap of canvas.

“This is me,” he replied. “Before … my condition.”

_My condition. My illness. My curse._

Why could vampires never be honest about what they were?

Still, I leaned over to look. The fragment of the painting was obviously well-protected, but there were still significant signs of age - improper care had left the paint muddled and chipped. But Carlisle’s face was unmistakable. Even with some artistic liberty, his face now still looked perfectly preserved.

“You really don’t age,” I said quietly. It made me panic a little. Edward really would freeze. I was going to leave him. I was going to age into dust.

Sensing my discomfort, Carlisle placed a steadying hand on my wrist. “We are suspended in time, Bella. As I’ve said before, we are preserved. Mind. Body. Soul.”

_Edward doesn’t believe that. Or, Edward doesn’t want me to think that he believes that. He’d rather I die. He’s probably already planning my replacement._

“I don’t show you this to scare you,” he said, sensing my anxious spiral. “It’s because there are other things that I think you should know. Things that could--”

And at that moment, Edward slams into the room.

|EDWARD|

“Oh, there you are, Bella!” I said, trying to sound affectionate, loving, even as panic and anger were mounting in my throat.

I looked at Bella. She had murder in her eyes. 

“Here I am,” she replied quietly. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

The thrum of her heart was almost delicious. The flush in her cheeks. I could almost feel her warmth from here.

 _Stop_ , I tell the intrusions. _Just stop_.

As charmingly and unobviously as possible, I grabbed her hand, interlocking our fingers in my tightest grip. “Come on,” I almost demanded, “I … want to give you my present.”

Bella didn’t try to pull free, but I didn’t need to read her thoughts or sense her emotions to know that I was in an exponential amount of trouble. 

Her frustration was almost enough to make me feel guilty - except…

Except I know there are parts of my world that need to be kept secret. Carlisle has no right to expose so much to her, especially considering the certain danger he’s inflicting. 

I pulled Bella up the stairs, creating distance between her and the rest of my family, and out onto the balcony adjacent to my room. I tried to focus on this moment, tried not to let Bella get too angry when I’d planned this moment so carefully for weeks.

Already her mouth quirked in a frustrated scowl. Before she could speak, I pulled out a tiny, velvet bag from the back of my pocket and pressed it not so delicately into her palms. 

“Happy Birthday, Bella.” My soft, affection echoed. I hoped it could erase all memory of her previous conversation.

For a moment, she seemed to forget her melancholy. It worked. _Thank God._ Her face broke into a heartbreakingly, beautiful smile. “I said no gifts.”

“I’m not very good at listening.” 

“Undoubtedly,” she replied but her hands were opening the package like it was fragile, neatly and delicately tugging at the string that bound it together. She pulled out a silver necklace, a small pendant box in the middle. She went to open it, but I stopped her.

“Don’t open it now.”

She gave me a curious look, but she was still smiling for now. “Okay. But when can I open it?”

I moved closer, taking the pendant gently from her grasp. I let my hands brush lightly against her collarbones as I put it around her neck. “You’ll know when,” I promised. Once I fixed the clasp, I spun her gently towards me, wrapping my arms around her waist, crossing my arms to fit the curves of her hips.

She really is quite pretty.

“It was my sisters,” I said quietly. “Or, mostly. With some modifications.” My lips curved into a sad smile. “It’s one of the only things I have left of … before.”

_I’ve give you the only parts of my humanity left, Bella. Can you know now that I love you? Can you feel it now?_

I felt her pull back a little. “Edward, I can’t-”

But, I stopped her, kissing her gently. “It’s very important to me. And you are very important to me. And I want you to have it.” I kissed her again. “Okay?”

“Okay,” she released after moment. Contemplative. And I kissed her several more times before Alice and my family beckoned us downstairs.

~ ~ ~

_Later_

|BELLA|

 _Don’t move, don’t move, don’t move_.

The adrenaline makes only one thought clear: any movement that I take will end in certain death.

Before this moment, I’d never realized the monstrosity of vampires. Staring into Jasper’s cold, unfeeling eyes… seeing the primal desire in his face, the way his mouth contorted to reveal the full row of sharp, dramatic fangs -

There is something animalistic about them. And I’ve walked into the belly of the beast.

Jasper descended upon me and a million moments flashed through my mind:

 _“I’ve got your cake,” said Alice, “now blow out the candles and make a wish.” Edward looked at me, as if to apologize, to say,_ I’m sorry she’s this way.

_Esme handed me a present, wrapped so pristinely, so tightly. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy to cut myself on._

_The first thing I notice is the panic in Edward’s eyes. The brief flash of interest, maybe hunger. But then, concern. I see him realize he can’t save me. I see him look at Jasper, and now, Jasper is coming towards me and -_

I’m tossed into the wall. Everything is black.

~ ~ ~

|EDWARD|

I made up my mind long before this moment.

There’s only so much I could put Bella through, but the reality is, I’m not that selfless. Part of this is about me too.

Ever since that encounter with James, I’ve known that I can’t stand to lose her.

And I’ve known that I’ll always hurt her more than I can save her.

And I’ve known that she can’t save me.

What I want is rest. What I want is peace. With Bella in my life, it’s not possible for either of us.

It’s time to let go.

  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
  
  


|BELLA|

I should have seen it coming, but maybe this is the real reason love is blind.

Ever since my birthday, I’ve felt the distance between Edward and I.

It started after I woke up, when I could hear Jasper, kicking and screaming and howling in the next room. Fighting to get to me. To… eat me.

When I woke, when I heard the noise and the swarming….

When I saw the look in Edward’s eyes. The dead vacant stare - no traces of love or kindness - I should have known that it was over.

But I wanted him so desperately. The thought of him consumed me. He was everything, everything, everything, and I wanted him and wanted him but still

“I’m leaving Bella. I don’t want you.”

It was like feeling my soul drain from my body. I was only consumed by the thought that _he was leaving. He didn’t want me after all_.

_You’re going to leave me in these woods to die, Edward. You’re going to leave me battered and destroyed and you are not going to give it a second thought._

I wish Jasper had sunk his teeth into me. Anything would have hurt less.

|EDWARD|

“It … it was …,” Jasper choked. He looked distraught.

Alice interrupted. “Edward, we just weren’t prepared. I should have prepared for it. I-I just didn’t see it coming.” Her words were frantic, and she grabbed my wrist, pleading. “We can fix this. Please, don’t do this.”

I stared straight into her eyes, unblinking, cold. “It’s over, Alice. I’m leaving.” I turned away from her. “I’m leaving you, everything, behind for good.”

“But we’re your family,” she begged.

“You’re not.” I turned towards her, feeling my lungs expand, taking a deep breath of anger, I didn’t need. “You were company,” I spat. “But I don’t need you anymore.

“I don’t need anyone.”

_Bella, I’m leaving. No, I don’t want you to come with me. You were a distraction from what I was, but it’s time that I moved on. And I want you to move on too. And I want us to forget each other, permanently._

_I want to leave this life behind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay - this is where canon ends.


	5. Chapter Five: Onward

**[Chapter Five: Onward]**

TW: mentions of suicidal ideation and attempt, but not graphic, and very, very mild sex.

_ Five Months Later _

|BELLA|

“ _ It’s going to be another chilly week here in Phoenix with a high of 65 expected on Monday… _ ”

I scoffed a little bit. In Forks, 65 degrees would have been a blessing - a wonderful reprieve from the snow and ice that had no doubt already chilled the town. It made me smile a little, to think that a year ago, Charlie was putting chains on my truck and here I was in Phoenix, totally comfortable in a short sleeve t-shirt and light jacket. 

But as usually happened with my reminiscing, I was forced sharply back into reality, and I had to remind myself of everything that was different now.

Like that Charlie had barely spoken to me since he’d found me, two months after Edward, unfeeling and motionless and almost dead. 

And that I’m not really allowed back in Forks, even in memories, after they made me scrub every memory of my ex-boyfriend from existence. 

They wanted me to forget, just like he did. That was their condition to let me leave in-patient. I had to stop dwelling. I had to move on.

Mom reached over to rub my shoulder, wearing that same nervous and apprehensive expression she’d had since they released me from the hospital and back into society. I felt comforted that at least her gentle smile and the sunny hum of her voice were the same as she said, “Hey. You weren’t gone that long.”

_ It felt like forever _ .  _ Like a lifetime _ . “I know. I just forgot that I got rid of all my Arizona clothes. I’m going to melt.”

“That just means we’ll have to go back to school shopping,” she quipped, grinning. “You know how much I love spending Phil’s money-”

My brain had short-circuited a while back. “School?”

Renée paused, contemplating. “Well… it’s your senior year, baby. You don’t want to miss it.” She gave me that harrowed look. “Besides, it’ll be good for you to get out of the house again. Make some new friends.”

When I didn’t respond, she kept going, “It’s just that I thought it might be better than online school and you’d meet  _ new  _ people and-”

“Mom,” I said calmly. I tried to brace myself and be comforting. “It’s fine. You’re right. I’m sure it’ll be fun,” I lied. My gaze returned to the window, following the sharp line of the mountains to steady myself. “Besides, I wanted to … change my look a little bit anyway. Reinvent myself.”

“A new beginning.”

I took a long, deep breath. “Yeah,” I answered after a moment. “I definitely need one of those.”

|EDWARD|

“Oh, yeah,” she breathed, sighing into my ear, legs wrapped tightly around my waist. I buried my face into her neck.

_ She smells so good. Feels so good _ .  _ Just one bite - one bite. _

One final thrust and, “I’m coming. I’m coming.” And I was too, delirious in my wanting of her. Wondering if she tasted as good as she felt. If she could tell if I just leaned in and -

I had to push her away, before I did something stupid.

“Where you going?” she called, but I was already moving far, far away. Out of the bathroom, out of the club, away from all the temptation that was crowding my throat and burning my tongue. I could hear her wanting in her head, the promise of another round, but it was too dangerous, too close.

These urges had been worse as of late. When I’d let my life go and quite literally  _ ran _ to the next continent, I’d put all of it behind me. 

Now, it was clear that geography wasn’t enough. All I wanted was to scrub any traces of my former self from my peripheral. I wanted no reminders of my past life, and so far, I’d let myself forget through Tanya, and Sebastian, and all the other thousands of nameless faces that brought me further from who I’d been.

Except. 

Except there was one part of me left that I couldn’t erase. That haunted me every time I saw my reflection. The hazel irises, set so deep at my core, my last trace of redemption that I couldn’t scrub free.

I knew I was a monster. I didn’t want to pretend I wasn’t anymore. And yet, there was a step in the transformation that I could not complete.

Feeding … real feeding. I felt violently ill at the thought of stopping an actual heart stop. No matter the pain, I couldn’t fully damn myself to the hell that I knew I belonged in.

_ You’re weak, _ I told myself.  _ You are nothing _ .

The thought continued to brew and spiral as I curled under the covers of the bed I’d bought out of desperate hope. I closed my eyes as tight as I could, but it didn’t matter:

I was trapped in an endless night.

|BELLA|

There is no hell like transferring schools the last half of your senior year.

Correction: there’s no hell like transferring  _ back _ to a school you left for your senior year, especially when everyone was well-informed of the exact reason that you returned.

I took a deep breath, tapping my fingers against the wheel of my truck and steeling myself to enter. It was the one thing they let me keep from Forks, and I was thankful for it now. It was a reminder of all the change that I’d gone through and that I could get through this now.

“You’ve got this,” I muttered to myself. “You’re fine. You’re better now.”

_ Edward was just a boy. We weren’t right for each other. Life without him isn’t the end of the world. _

I tried to remember what they’d told me in the hospital: that I deserve someone who loves me, really loves me, and doesn’t want me to change. I deserve someone who wouldn’t leave me the way that Edward did.

_ And who isn’t a vampire. A literal, fucking vampire, Bella, honestly. _

Well, I didn’t tell them that part. That was still just for me.

I took one last look at my phone, still hoping for a text from Charlie, wishing me good luck or to have a good day, like he used to; but, it seemed that I was out of sight and out of mind. I put my phone back into my bag and headed into school.

~ ~ ~

If I was in Forks, I would have been accosted by half the school by now, but here in Arizona, very few people gave a shit about me. 

By 3:00 o’clock, I’d reached the last period of the day with only a few, awkward conversations with former classmates that I remembered. Part of me was comforted by the fact that I didn’t have to overwhelm myself with conversation. Another, smaller part of me missed the attention, or, at least, the ease of making friends in a small town.

This class wasn’t different from any of the others in the beginning. There wasn’t a whole lot of welcome. My teacher introduced himself, directed me to my seat, and then pretended that I didn’t exist. I was able to relax, lose myself in my thoughts for a little bit.

But then, something changed. I felt it before it happened: the slight chill down the nape of my neck, the breathlessness in my lungs, and the permanent shift in the universe that only comes from such an altering moment. I’d only felt this once before… a year ago … when-

“Sorry, I mixed up my classes.”

I knew that voice anywhere. 

My head spun quickly and instantly I was met with familiar piercing hazel eyes, and the unsettling feeling of remorse and longing in my stomach. I’d never felt that his kind could be so ghostly and ghastly until this moment, where his gaze was unmoving, unblinking. I felt myself shiver involuntarily, suddenly cold, almost frozen.

“I didn’t know I was getting another student,” Mr. Henry interrupted. “What’s your name?”

He cleared his throat, still not taking his eyes off of me.

“I’m Jasper. Jasper Hale.”


End file.
